Yesterday it was announced that the Terminator franchise rights are up for sale, and now Joss Whedon has written a hilarious letter to the franchise owners to buy the rights for $10,000. The piece is just so funny I had to repost it here (you can find the original on
Whedonesque
):
An Open Letter to the Terminator Owners.
From a Very Important Hollywood Mogul
Dear Sirs/Maāams,
I am Joss Whedon, the mastermind behind Titan A.E., Parenthood (not the movie) (or the new series) (or the one where āhoodā was capitalized ācause it was a pun), and myriad other legendary tales. I have heard through the āgrapevineā that the Terminator franchise is for sale, and I am prepared to make a pre-emptive bid RIGHT NOW to wrap this dealio up. This is not a joke, this is not a scam, this is not available on TV. I will write a check TODAY for $10,000, and viola! Terminator off your hands.
No, you didnāt miscount. Thatās four ā FOUR! ā zeroes after that one. Thatās to show you I mean business. And I mean show business. Nikki Finke says the Terminator concept is played. Well, hereās what I have to say to Nikki Finke: you are a fine journalist and please donāt ever notice me. The Terminator story is as formative and important in our culture ā and my pretend play ā as any I can think of. Itās far from over. And before you Terminator-Owners (I have trouble remembering names) rush to cash that sweet cheque, let me give you a taste of what I could do with that franchise:
1) Terminator⦠of the Rings! Yeah, what if he time-travelled TOO far⦠back to when there was dragons and wizards? (I think it was the Dark Ages.) Hasta La Vista, Boramir! Cool, huh? āNow you gonna be Gandalf the Red!ā RRRRIP! But then he totally helps, because heās a cyborg and he doesnāt give a s#&% about the ring ā it has no power over him! And he can carry it AND Frodo AND Sam AND f@%& up some orcs while heās doing it. This stuff just comes to me. I mean it. (I will also offer $10,000 for the Lord of the Rings franchise).
2) More Glau. Hey. Thereās a reason theyāre called āSummerā movies.
3) Can you say⦠musical? Well donāt. Even I know thatās an awful idea.
4) Christian Baleās John Connor will get a throat lozenge. This will also help his Batwork (ten grand for that franchise too, btw.)
5) More porn. John Connor never told Kyle Reese this, but his main objective in going to the past was to get some. What if thereās a lot of future-babies that have to be made? Cue wah-wah pedal guitar ā and dollar signs!
6) The movies will stop getting less cool.
Okay. Thereās more ā this brain donāt quit! (though it has occasionally been fired) ā but I think you get my drift. I really believe the Terminator franchise has only begun to plumb the depths of questioning the human condition during awesome stunts, and Iād like to shepherd it through the next phase. The money is there, but more importantly, the heart is there. But more importantly, money. Think about it. End this bloody bidding war before it begins, and put the Terminator in the hands of someone who watched the first one more than any other movie in college, including āSong of Norwayā (no current franchise offer). Sincerely, Joss Whedon.